"CPR" for Parenting

Often when one thinks of disciplining kids you think of angry exchanges with both sides feeling frustrated and misunderstood. You usually won't get the right response unless you and your child are calm, so make that the first step. When your child is responsive, which means ready to listen, he or she can practice a skill you are trying to teach them, instead of just giving them a consequence. You can remember this approach as "CPR: Calm, Practice, and Reinforce."
 
Calm first. Don't argue. Discipline should not exhaust the parent. Talk with them if there are genuine questions. Otherwise, choose to deal with the emotions instead of just the behavior. Empathize first to gain an ability to influence them. For now, don’t teach. You can suspend privileges temporarily. Let them come to you when they are ready to resolve the problem. For younger kids, try diversions, choices, and challenges to get them to refocus. Physical and verbal aggression, however, is designed to shock, upset, and control you. Don't let it work. If your child is too disruptive, lead him or her from the room to a spot where he or she can sit. As long as your child is seated, ignore negative behavior, except for offers to talk after the child is calm. Model for them what it looks like to be calm. If they want, they can complete an engaging task before you talk about the problem. Or, you can put an ice cube on the table to represent anger and your child can watch it melt.
 
In general,

• Increase the amount of calm time spent together in the home.
• Create routine and warn about transitions ahead of time.
• Expectations should not be too high. Take it step by step.

Practice and repeat the right behavior before privileges are restored. You can have them practice listening by giving them fun or useful instructions to follow. Of course, they must be calm and responsive for your practice sessions. Everyday have a practice session for a skill they need to develop. Focus on the right behavior instead of the wrong. For example, if a child slams doors, he can practice telling you what he feels and wants from you. That does not mean he is entitled, just that he can express himself appropriately. Younger kids can be given choices. Older kids can practice describing both sides of an issue and thinking of possible solutions, even if they don't agree. There are a number of social skills which can be practiced.
In general,
 

• Positive interactions need to outweigh negative interactions.
• Spend time, talk, and show affection. 
• Describe their behavior or accomplishments throughout the day. 

Reinforce with routine privileges, plus special privileges at unexpected times, after calming and practicing adequately. Perhaps a designated light can be used to indicate privileges, and when it is turned off, privileges are on hold until responsibilities are completed.
 
In general,

• Negative reactions are powerful reinforcers of negative behavior.
• Long-term disadvantages exist for using fear, threats, and isolation.
• Make the right behavior get better results for the child.

Using calm approaches work better in the long run, and positive consequences teach more than the negative. Negative consequences can control behavior in the short-term, but not necessarily in the long term. Positive consequences include enabling your kids to research a topic, volunteer somewhere, or provide restitution. Most importantly, your positive or negative reaction to kid’s behavior is a useful predictor of future problems. Whatever approach you use, don’t forget the three "C's:" consistency, consistency, and consistency!

Would you like to learn more about parenting approaches? 
Consider these books:

Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy by Michael J. Bradley

Try and Make Me by Ray Levy and Bill O’Hanlon